


I will not speak of your sins; I cant's sleep

by Silvalina



Series: Sins of a Father [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: +Tubbo, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Drinking, Everyone Has Trauma, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Phil has trauma, Philza-centric, Sleepy Bois Inc as Family, War, Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit and tubbo are Siblings, a lot of it, canon character death, theyre family your honor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29841576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvalina/pseuds/Silvalina
Summary: Phil always prided himself in trying the best for his kids. He never wanted for them to be involved in war, so he kept it ar away from them, in hopes of it never reaching them in any way.Oh how wrong he was.----------------What if they were all siblings and Phil just left them all at home with Techno and Wil so he could protect them from the wars.This is actually the first fic were i have pre written all the chapter so pogggDiscord: https://discord.gg/qNhBWRwbCb
Relationships: Philza Minecraft & Wilbur Soot, Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & Technoblade, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phillza Minecraft
Series: Sins of a Father [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2200170
Comments: 6
Kudos: 62





	1. But Oh, my heart was flawed, I knew my weakness;It's been haunting me, (my dear), I’m just as small as yesteryear

He never wanted this for his children.

He didn't want them to be caught up in wars or in fights, tried to help Techno keep his violent voices at bay, helping channel aggression into peaceful and productive things. But when war came, he needed to leave and protect his children, he never wanted them to be involved.

And still, somehow war found itself in his family, ripping them apart, driving swords and arrows into them, slashing open space for scars and trauma.

It was evident, as he looked into Wilbur’s eyes, the eyes of someone far beyond his years, someone broken by the expectations and those around him, the eyes of his own  _ child, broken beyond repair.  _ Phil never wanted this for his children, he wanted to keep them safe.

But as he held his eldest in his arms, bloody and broken, killed by his own scarred and untrustful hands, he couldn't help but weep. Screams of a father who lost a son too early, of someone who wanted the best and was retaliated with the worst.

Traitorous were his hands and so were his instincts, seeing a broken man and not his son, traitorous were the voices and so were his eyes, seeing nothing but the battlefield around them and traitorous were his thoughts and so were his actions, thinking he would give him peace yet regretting the action the moment it happened.

He was a broken man, broken from war, broken from everything that wanted to take his kids away, broken from the fighting and the bloodshed. Philza was a man of many regrets, too many to ever live down on.

But when a laugh cut through the air like the blade plunged through his smiling sons corpse, the angel of death saw nothing but rage, the taunting and shrill laugh piercing him deeper than anything else, making him rise from his place, face shockingly neutral as the sword was slowly pulled from his son, who was put on the ground.

Then, everything went faster than anyone would like it to.

The blade skewered through Dream like a twisted version of a meal, satiating the bloodlust of Phil himself, if not of everyone around him.

But as he gazed away from the newly formed corpse into the expressions of his children, left behind by him, he who tried to protect and ended up being the demise of one of them.

In that exact moment, his heart shattered in a million small pieces, tears flowing down his face freely.

When he turned around in fear, if of himself or of the confrontation, that's for him to know, he made a dive for the body of his eldest, ascending into the sky with a loud scream, alike to a sobbing noise, and disappeared into the settled dusk of the storm and the rage that had set itself upon the lands.

The rest of the small family were left to pick up the pieces.

\-------------------------------------------------------

_ Soon _ , they said.

_ Soon they would go _ , the voices continued.

_ Soon they would leave you too _ , the voices kept on.

  
  


Techno didn't want to hear any of it, holding the forms of his sobbing younger brothers tightly in his arms, whispering apologies and promises their way, trying to be strong for them even though he was falling apart himself. It had been days since their father disappeared with the corpse of their older brother, figuratively falling apart right in front of them. It was a gruesome sight, blood covered wings had ascended before anyone could say a word, the high pitched scream making them all cower as they watched him disappear into the clouds after killing the biggest threat of them all, to never live again.

They tried their best to work through it, tried their best to stay together and hold each other together. At least they had help from their friends but it never filled the void the oldest family members left, it didn't let the scars heal.

Tommy sighed and leaned back into the embrace of his big brother, a crying and exhausted Tubbo hugging him as if he would disappear if he didnt. The blonde would think the same but he didn't let anything show. His mind has not processed the whole thing yet, running on adrenaline for days straight until he broke down, crying over the loss of his family but only by himself. He didn't want anyone to feel bad or pity him, so he kept his emotions at bay, tried to become less impulsive so he would be less of a bother. Tommy saw it in Techno’s eyes, the man trying to be strong while the oldest two were gone, strong for all of them.

It hurt him to see that.

Tubbo was a wreck, so to say. It was hard for him, hard for him to work through all of the grief and betrayal he felt. Out of all of them, it broke him the hardest, seeing their father kill Wilbur just like that and then disappearing again, after all the stress of being a double agent, of working under Schlatt, of seeing their brother descend into madness.

He passed out in his brother's warm embrace.

  
  


In the embrace of a valley, a lone man cried in front of a fresh grave, tears hitting the ground, mixing with the blood of his hands and the rain from above.


	2. I'll be home, safely tucked away; You can't tempt me if I don't see the day; Ghosts don’t sing  So you know that I’m alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heho angst

Phil spent the first days in complete denial, building a small hut next to the cliff where his son was buried. He didn't want to hear anything, trying to get his mind off of… What had happened. Logs upon logs were stacked, building sturdy walls with windows and doors and before he knew it, he had done not only a room for himself, but also several other rooms.

The hybrid didn't want to think of his other kids, not of anything at the time and especially not about the fact that he left them behind just like that…

He really was a bad father, wasn't he?

Any more thoughts went down the drain as he slumped down onto the bed he made for himself in the room overlooking the cliffs, a waterfall rushing down next to the small forest in the hut’s near vicinity. Still, more thoughts plagued him for the next few days, keeping him up at night and making him feel things, experiencing emotions that he never wanted to again.

After the fourth sleepless night he resorted to his stash of vodka, pulling it out of his enderchest and drowning himself with it, passing out drunk and finally sleeping after all this time, even if he was completely wasted.

\------------------

Techno sat up one day, after a week passed, and decided that they couldn't keep sulking just like that. It was easier said than done, especially when he proposed the action to his two smaller brothers.

“We need to find dad.”

He got shrugged off by one of them and the other didn't even give him a response, looking off into the distance, as if he didn't even listen to him.

Techno wanted to get angry at them, he really did, but it wasn't the right time for that, not while they were all grieving, devastated. He sat next to them, pulling them both in an embrace. Tommy and Tubbo instantly clung to him, doing so out of instinct for the past days.

“I'm serious, you two… We really need to find him, I just… I dont think hes faring any better than we are-”

“Well he shouldn't have killed him then! He shouldn't have killed him-”

Tommy shouted as if his life depended on it, eyes sparkling with unshed tears as Tubbo flinched in Techno’s embrace, smushing his face further into the hem of his cape.

The piglin growled at Tommy as he noticed and the blonde hung his head in defeat, outburst and anger already forgotten as he did the same as Tubbo, just wanting to feel that at least his other brother was alive.

Tubbo still didn't say a single thing and Techno sighed again, leaning back into the couch they were sitting on, arms slung around the kids shoulders.

“He didn't mean it, you saw his eyes, Tommy. They were- He looked so dead and broken the moment he realised what he had done. I think all the stress from the wars got to him, y’know? Let’s… Lets start packing tomorrow, we really need to go after him.”

He felt two nods against his side and for the first time in a week, he felt determined.

\---------------------------------

Days passed and he hadn't seen a single soul in his time in the little cottage he made. Only standing up to do some stuff and eat, Phil didn't have the best routine. Some days he spent drunk out of his mind, trying to drown his memories of not only his kids but also of the wars he's been through out of his head. Other days he sat on the roof of his hut, staring into the valley below him, knowing that there was the grave of his late son and he cried to the heavens and to every god he knew.

_ Why _

Shouts and cries went unanswered and he would pass out from crying in these nights, the moon being the only thing watching him.

Well, almost, with a small blue spectre looking from the side of the forest, worried eyes landing on the figure of his father.

Phil would always find himself in his bed after these nights, stains of blue on his body.

\-----------------------

Tommy was determined to not show any weakness to anyone from outside of his family.

Techno and Tubbo both had seen him break down before, both knew the pure  _ hurt  _ that was flowing through every cell of his body, over losing his closest family member. It was no secret that Wilbur and him had the deepest bond out of the small group of misfits, both having lived together before getting picked up by Phil. And as it hurt them all greatly, for Tommy that hurt was amplified to a horrid amount, breaking him from the inside out.

but he wanted to keep his dignity and not break down and show weakness, he couldn't afford that. No matter how many times anyone asked him if he was ok or if he wanted to talk about it.

He didn't need to talk about anything.

They all packed their bags with everything important that they owned, knowing that they would be gone for some time and maybe not even return in the end. Tubbo had done everything to ensure that they had everything they need, supply and food wise at least. Surprisingly, he was the most organized out of all of them, so Techno decided to put him on packing duty while he brewed some important potions and Tommy collected material from the forests outside, better safe than sorry.

Enderchests were packed to the brim and their bags were tied to the horses they tamed, keen on finally following their father who had at least a week of a head start, with wings nonetheless. But they wouldn't give up.

They couldn't.


	3. In this twilight, how dare you speak of grace; Oh if I could save, you from the fear of yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Routines

The routine was the same.

He would get out of bed, groan while he rubbed his head and stumble to his small kitchen, grabbing food of any kind, just what he had gotten for himself on one of his good days, or whatever would suddenly appear in is cupboards, that he had no recollection of ever getting.

Stains of blue would appear around the house but he didnt notice, too out of his mind to care about such a trivial thing when there were other things to worry about.

Like what he was going to get wasted on to drown the thoughts of the day out.

Around his children, he would have never even thought about doing such a thing.

But now? It was the only thing keeping him from all the overwhelming guilt, from all the intrusive thoughts, all the voices. He didn't want them to consume him.

Phil couldn't take it, he didn't want to die at all, he still had his other kids to worry about and if he was dead…

He sighed and sat down on the couch, looking out of a window and curling in on himself, trying to keep his tears at bay.

He still had his other kids and here he was, leaving them all behind right after murdering his oldest. Phil could never look them in the eyes again, not after all of this.

Not after this.

  
  


\--------------------

It had been two days since they rode away from the city.

Techno had his trusty steed, Carl, at the front while Tubbo and Tommy had their own horses right behind him. The blonde called his Clementine while Tubbo just went with Bee, unsurprisingly to the other two. The first break they did was in a small clearing, none of them speaking as they started to build a temporary hut under the spruce wood trees they decided on using for it. Just a small room to rest for the night, all of them cuddled together in it.

The days went on with the exact same pattern.

They would ride through the whole day and rest in the night, hoping to see any sign of their father sometime soon, looking out for any sign of him being around. It had been to no avail up until now, making them all lose their hope slowly. The only one that would never show any of that outwardly was Technoblade, trying to be the pillar for his small brother, feeling responsible for them. Tubbo and Tommy greatly appreciated any kind and up building words from their brother, trying their best to not be too much of a bother for him, even though he reassured him that they weren't, couldn't ever be one for him.

So they continued on, not knowing that their journey would come to an end soon.

  
  
  


Continuing the days was one thing that Ghostbur stopped sooner than he thought.

Staring at the moon all night long, floating around aimlessly until he made his way up the cliff to the small, lone cottage he knew would be there. His days were the same, watching the man living there,  _ his father, he knew it was his father, _ and helping him out without ever revealing himself to the blonde. Food would appear in his cabinets, he would wake up in his own bed everyday, it didn't matter where he fell asleep and Ghostbur didn't know why exactly he was doing this. 

He couldn't continue doing this forever, could he?

_ He would, for their sake, for their sake… _

So his days, as everyone else's, were following the same pattern.

Stop staring at the moon.

\-------------------

Roll out of bed.

\--------------------

Start preparing to ride more through the day.

\--------------------

_ Go to the cliff. _

  
  
  


_ Get to the kitchen. _

  
  
  


_ Ride all day. _

  
  
  


_ Watch his father. _

_ Watch the grave. _

_ Watch the way. _

  
  
  
  
  
  


\-------------------------

“You think he went this way, Techno?”

Two sets of eyes fell on the cloaked form of their bigger brother, jumping down from his horse as he looked at the ground.

A singular black feather, caked in dirt, was laying at his feet.

“Yes, the village we passed had said that they had seen a man of his description passing by two weeks ago. I don't think anyone else around here has big black wings and blonde hair.”

They all decided to let the horses rest a little and walked some of the way, a comfortable silence stretching between them as they strode along the rocky path. The hunch that Techno got at the village seemed to be trustworthy enough. The description of the winged person fit Phil almost too well and apparently he flew up the cliff, and while Tommy and Tubbo didn't know, Techno did know that Phil enjoyed heights when he was feeling anxious. Comes with living with him for so long. As the day blended into night, they arrived at the cliff he was supposed to be at, watching the moon rise up from where the sun had hidden itself, bathing their surroundings in a soft blue light.

Both Tubbo and Tommy were vibrating in anticipation, so many emotions flowing through them as it openly showed. Techno himself wasn't as emotional outwardly but he was feeling just like they did, looking at the cliff in anticipation. But when a blue spectre suddenly showed up on the peak, looking suspiciously like a human, they were on edge.

On a further glance, the piglin tried to make out who they were before falling back, eyes widening as both of his brothers were at his side, asking him what's wrong.

“W-wilbur-”


	4. I still get the dreams And the feeling of doom; I will not speak of your sin There was no way out for him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreams

_ He was running, swinging his sword at his foes, skewering the soldiers around him mercilessly, blood spraying out of wounds and heads rolling on the battlefield. It was a mess as screams echoed around him, ingraining themselves into his mind, blood curdling screams and smallest of whimpers alike, his thoughts racing like his feet over the field, trying to get away, trying to flee until a sword came down upon his neck- _

Phil woke up, drenched in sweat and breathing harshly.

He leaned forward in his bed, knees pulled to his chest and head propped on top of it, a soft sigh escaping his mouth. A shudder went through his body, making him groan before he decided to just get out of bed, a small glance at his communicator telling him it was 5am anyway. Visions of blood and carnage appeared right before him but he blinked them out of the way, pulling a hand over his face, almost tempted to just scratch his eyes out so he wouldn't have to see them anymore.

Still, he went out of his room and into the small bathroom, trying to get ready for the day.

  
  
  
  
  


Only a little distance away, a couple of eyes shot up to look at the ghostly form of their deceased brother, legs dangling down from the cliff as their eyes locked.

Then, he was suddenly right before them, as if he teleported, and looked them up and down, recognition flashing in his eyes.

“Do I know you? I feel like I should, you seem so familiar…”   
  


Before he could continue, a pair of arms was wrapped around him. Surprisingly, these were not Tommy’s or Tubbo’s.

They were Techno’s, Techno who was openly sobbing into the ghosts arms, something so wrong, it felt so wrong of him to do that but he couldn't, he couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't handle all the grief and when he saw the form of his brother, he just… He just couldn't take it anymore.

The recognition burned strong in Ghostburs eyes and a hand started to card through pink hair, softly picking apart strands and they both fell to the floor, Tommy and Tubbo hovering next to them before just practically jumping onto them, hugging both of them as well.

They were all in a small pile on the ground, tears starting to gather at the corner of Tommy’s and Tubbo’s as well. Ghostbur was overwhelmed with memories, even if they were almost exclusively good ones, of his brothers and their childhood.

He felt a need to protect flare up in him, as he was the biggest, always had been the wittiest and easy to talk to, when Techno couldn't communicate with anyone, when Tubbo was afraid, when Tommy needed someone that could be strong for him.

He wanted to be all these things.

So after they sat for what felt like hours, slowly their grips loosened on each other, all of them separating but still holding on in some ways, Tommy holding one of Ghostbur’s sleeves, Techno bumping shoulders with the ghost while Tubbo was just leaning onto him, small tear stains still visible on his cheeks, glistening as the sun rose up from the horizon.

Then, the ghost spoke up.

“We need to talk with Dad. He has… He has not been doing so good…”

The visible concern that spread on everyone's faces was quickly interrupted by the creaking noise of a door opening somewhere above, even if it was faint.

They needed to do something.

  
  
  
  


Phil honestly did not know why he kept doing this.

His research was lacking so harshly, he may have found a totem to resurrect his son with but he needed a personal item, he needed something from him but everything he had is either in his grave or back in L’Manburg and Phil didn't want to face them right now, he could not face them without their brother, he could not do it. He did not want to see the desperation, the anxiety, the anger and the sorrow. 

An idiot, that's what he would call himself, a fool, for thinking even for a second to kill his own sons, delusions aside. It was just…

He was such a horrible father figure… But he needed to do this, even if it was at the expense of his own sanity, even if he worked himself into the ground.

So, he started to head to the nether, trying to get his mind straight again, thinking that some mining would do him some good.

The moment he disappeared into it, all of his four kids came from their hiding place, making sure that he was truly gone.

“What is he even doing? Techno did you see how awful he looked? Fuck…”

Tommy just stared into the purple abyss that swallowed his father for the day, the man hopefully not coming back anytime soon.

They had to prepare a lot of stuff. All of them quickly ran into their father’s house, closing the door behind them.

Inside, there was a clear mess everywhere, papers strewn around, empty bottles of alcohol stacked next to a wall, dishes were sitting on the sink…

Techno went over to the bottles, picking one up and turning it around to read what it was.

“Fuck, he has really been getting worse. With the amount of bottles here? It's only been a couple of weeks and we don't even know if these are all the bottles he has.``

Tubbo’s eyes were wandering to the sink, slowly walking over to it and just… doing them in silence, trying to get his mind off of this whole thing. Meanwhile, the other three just sighed and looked at each other, Tommy going to pick up trash from the ground and cleaning up while Techno and Ghostbur got rid of all the bottles, looking all around the house and finding even more of them, most empty.

“Ive been restocking his food while he was here, fuck the old man really forgot how to take care of himself…”

The ghost started but let the conversation fall again, picking up other bottles that had rolled under the couch. Techno held open the trash bag they collected them in, hearing them clank inside of it as another was added. They worked like this for an hour, Tubbo getting the dishes done half an hour in and helping Tommy with cleaning, just trying to think of anything to do so he wouldn't have to think about any of it.

Of course, that was the moment the door decided to open, heavy steps hitting the wooden floor as a bag fell to the ground, eyes locked on the small group of people.


	5. But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate; and I can’t lie to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress

He could not do this today.

He did not want to see another set of illusions of his kids, probably wanting to tell him how much of a fuck up he was, as if he didnt know.

So he just elected to ignore them, not even seeing the stares he got as he wandered around the room, going to the stairs and just… Collapsing in the middle of climbing them.

Techno was immediately at his side, feeling him practically burn up.

Tommy and Tubbo joined him, helping with carrying their dad back to the couch, putting him on top of it. They could practically hear the shallow breaths escaping his throat, face red and slightly burned and the effect of a lingering potion on him. Tubbo decided to speak up, to the surprise of the others.

“I think he swam through lava, and that not for a short time… Looks like a fire resistance potion…”

Ghostbur nodded, knowing what to do by muscle memory. They all watched him run out and come back with pine like leaves and red pine cones only minutes later, making his way into the kitchen. They heard noises of a brewing stand going off and decided to just wait for their biggest brother, Tommy looking down at their father, worrying over him greatly. The whole situation was absurd for all of them. Tubbo had spoken for the first time in what felt like weeks and Wilbur apparently came back as a ghost, Techno had openly sobbed, a state no one had ever seen him in and their dad apparently drank his worries away.

It was overwhelming, in a sense, so he just decided to sit down on the couch, next to his father, pulling his knees to his chest, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. Tubbo joined him, sitting down right next to him as well, leaning onto Tommy’s shoulder. Techno just looked at the two, sitting down in front of the couch while holding one of his father’s hands, feeling the heat of the nether on his own nether skin.

After what felt like ages, ghostbur returned with a purplish-red potion, still steaming slightly. The insides glimmered with magic, swirling around the glass it was in, and Ghostbur advised them to hold Phil’s head up, so he wouldn't choke on it.

After it was done, the specter slowly let the potion drop down into his mouth, a sizzling noise being heard every time it hit his mouth.

Techno could feel his body getting colder with every bit more of the potion until it was at a normal temperature, his face no longer being contorted in pain. It relieved them all and they sat back, letting out a breath they never noticed was held.

“He’ll be ok… Right?”

Ghostbur nodded, floating directly over their heads while he put back the small glass, settling down next to Techno on the ground.

“He will. The potion was only to bring his body back to a more manageable temperature. ‘old man is strong, he will pull through.”

They all just decided to sit in silence and lean back, waiting for their father to finally come back to the realm of the woken.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The first thing he felt was warmth.

  
  
  
  
  


The first thing he heard was hushed voices.

  
  
  
  
  


The first thing he saw was four worried faces, staring right into his own. 

Phil wanted to pass right out again, but he knew that he shouldnt, watching them all with tired eyes.

When they started to talk again, he was braced for anything, a hit, a slash, harsh words-

But not for his children to jump in his arms, smothering him with hugs while they sobbed, clinging to him as if they would lose him if they let him go. It surprised Phil that even Techno participated, but one look at the kid and he knew instantly.

Soft apologies left his mouth as he tried to hug them all at once, wings emerging from his back and wrapping them in a big hug. Tubbo clung to him the most, face pressed into his chest while the other two both took up an arm.

Slowly, they emerged from the impromptu hugging session, all of them rubbing their eyes but not parting from Phil. The blonde man just couldnt get any words out, pushing himself back into the couch while his sons sat at his side. 

“Why do I taste Larix on my tongue?”

Tubbo pointed at Wilbur, making some exaggerated gesticulations with his hands.

“Well, he said it would help you so…”   
  


Ghostbur dove into Phil’s arms, the blonde’s tears welling up once again as he sobbed into the ghost’s bright yellow sweater, stained with blue. More apologies left him like the tears in his eyes, and he only hugged him more than ever.

  
  


Maybe they could all heal together after everything was said and done.

Maybe they could…


End file.
